I know, I know. Building connections is hard. Even talking to someone unknown is hard. If you are someone like me, I know you have felt paralyzed by fear when trying to connect with others. You are not alone. I have been in this paralysis for a large part of my life.
From the earliest childhood, while I craved social interaction- being the only child in a nucleus family- I just didn’t know what to talk about. And given my own lack of appreciation for myself. I HATED how I looked, walked, talked, in short, existed. And therefore, there was never going to be a point where I’d be comfortable talking or breaking the silence. I was too much into my own self.
There was once a family gathering where a cousin from abroad was also present. Being my age, she sat down next to me. And that’s it. I didnt speak for the one-hour plus that she was sitting next to me. And those were heavy 60 minutes. Tick-Tok-why-is-she-here-Tick-Tok-Why-doesn’t-she-go-away-Tick-Tok-Tick-Tok.
And yet here I am, many, many years later, writing, talking, communicating, and building connections. This is what has worked for me, and I am hoping it may work for you as well.
1.Throw the FEAR out!
This is not a step of a to-do list. This is the pre-requisite for everything that you do in life. Just DO-AWAY-WITH-FEAR! The truth is, most of our fears are only figments of our imaginations, based on wild assumptions that have no legs. Whether it’s the fear of rejection or the fear of saying the wrong thing, these invisible barriers can hold us back from forming meaningful connections. Fears like, I am not likeable, or I don't think I can talk to someone, or I have nothing important to say are common. I’ve lived through them. But I have learnt, backed by multiple books, that these really are our own self projections and lack of self-appreciation. In fact, trust me, the other person is equally afraid to break the ice. What a sad place to be in. Two people, sitting next to each other, in their own bubble of self-deploring fears, just like I did many years ago! Research suggests that people really want to strike up a conversation and build a connection, but they are also slaves to their fears. With this knowledge, take the first-mover’s advantage and reach out.
2. Loosen up!
Why are you stiff? You are going to say hi, not threaten the person to take his life. Again, this is our fear and lack of self doubt at play. It’s okay, really. It’s completely natural to feel nervous when initiating a conversation. Remember, everyone experiences moments of uncertainty.
But here is the thing: 93% of our communication is non-verbal, including body language and tonality. So here is what is happening: You reach out to this person sitting next to you on a plane by saying a meek hi, a very weak handshake, in a tone even you cannot hear. Before you said that hi, your non-verbal cues are telling the other person you really dont want to do this. The person, in his/her own fears responds back with the same negative energy that you have come with. And in this case, two negatives do not make a positive.
I know it can be hard. But just a better tone, a warmer handshake, a look in the eye will help. By taking small steps to relax and open up, you can gradually build your confidence in social interactions.
3. Authentic Curiosity
Most people, even if they say hi, find it difficult to carry on the conversation. I did too. As a coach, however, I have regular conversations with clients that may last upto two hours (the longest has been three hours). There is a simple trick to that. ASK GENUINE QUESTIONS.
We ALL love talking about ourselves. All that you have to do is to be interested in their story. And it is very, very easy. Listen attentively and ask a question that takes the story forward. I have a formula for this. I call it CARL. CARL is an interview response technique but applies amazingly to all other conversations.
You see, most stories will follow this simple linear formation: Context-Action-Result-Learning. Usually, when a person is talking, they will be talking about one of the things from among the four. Either, they will be giving a background (C-Context), or talking about what they, or someone else did (A-Action), what happened after that (R-Result), and how do they feel about it (L-Learning). All you have to do is to identify where they are in the conversation, and go forward or backward on the CARL Scale.
Imagine you and I happen to be sitting together on a flight. I tell you, “I am going to Los Angeles to meet my children”. That is the Action part. You can simply nod and say ok, or say, ‘is there a specific occasion’. And that will bring up the context of my trip and I can tell you how I haven't met them in a while, or that it's their graduation, or that they are having a baby. It works beautifully, and EVERY TIME!
4. Tell a Story
Since CARL was actually a way to respond to interviews (Tell me about a time when you achieved a great outcome on your project), it is a superb tool for storytelling. Versus what I wrote up, the only change you need to do is to take charge of the response. And remember, the other person may still be nervous, so assume the question in your head and answer it through CARL. But don’t ramble on. This can be a dangerous monologue. One way to avoid this is to invite the other person for their comments or ask them about a similar story. So again, using the above example, I told you I am going to LA to visit my children for their graduation. Now flip and ask the other person the same question. The entire conversation is just a play between numbers 3 & 4 here.
There is more to it, but I’ll stop here. But I’ll encourage you to read up on the Hero’s Journey to make this even more engaging. Pro-Tip: When sharing your own experiences, try to paint a vivid picture with descriptive language and sensory details. Inviting the listener to your world just opens doors to deeper connections.
5. Empathy
Like the first point, this is not a step, but a core requirement of the conversation. Remember you are not their judge. They have their own journey, and it will be unique to them. You don't know their lives, challenges, opportunities, backgrounds. Your objective is to build a connection and learn and grow as a person yourself. For this to happen, accept them as they are.
Empathy isn’t about putting yourself in their shoes. It’s about understanding how ‘they’ feel in their own shoes and relating it to where you felt similar. It’s this common bond that after all unites us in our pain and in our happiness. Hold on to that. That’s the core of human connection.
From being that child who couldn’t utter a word with an open mouth, who didn't know what to say after the first hello in a class presentation, who thought he had nothing to offer, nothing to say, nothing to contribute, I have come a long way. I work in sales, teach at university level, give training, meet new clients, and help them to make changes in their lives, write, give presentations, and what not. What has worked with me is all this, but if you want the absolute secret, it’s this. Show up for yourself and throw out the fear!
Building meaningful relationships is not just about overcoming fears though; it’s about embracing the beauty of human connection. Each interaction, whether big or small, offers an opportunity to create genuine bonds. So, show up authentically, embrace vulnerability, and approach each interaction with an open heart and mind.
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