(This was written in March 2023, a month after I had finished my NLP Practitioner Training. I went on to complete NLP Master Practitioner Training in May and further trainings in Hypnotherapy, Coaching and mBIT. I now have a thriving coaching practice, and it all started here)
It was somewhere in December last year when I approached Maheen, the focal person at Dynamic Communications to inquire about NLP Training.
I had been struggling with life in general. There were some unresolved issues, and I was tired with the way things were. Negativity had permeated my thoughts; anger had become my go-to emotion and all I could think about was when and how this life would be over. Not that I was suicidal, but I just wanted to get it over with.
Then, I bumped into NLP.
I called up the only guy I knew who had done NLP training to ask whether it was worth it. He assured me it was life changing. But the costs were too high for someone who was in debt, not to mention that I was just dragging one day at a time, looking for a miracle. With some difficulty, I worked out the finances and decided to jump in with zero motivation, but to give life another shot. Honestly, the only thing I ever looked forward to was being away from work and other aspects of life for 5 days every alternate week. I needed a break, despite the costs.
So, on a January morning, I walked into the room with a sea of unfamiliar faces. I then saw a former student and a former school classmate walk in. I was relieved and fearful at the same time. Relieved because there were familiar faces, but fearful of being judged.
Our trainer- Aliya Mohyeddin is a Pakistani-Australian and has extensive experience with NLP. As she took us through her journey, I just sat there and listened, thinking of it as another exaggerated motivational story. By the end of the first module, I was overwhelmed, tired, and not looking forward to the second one, though to no fault of the trainer. I just wasn’t ready to look at things from another perspective.
It was on day two of the second module where I found myself deeply engaged. From discussing the Milton and Meta models, to anchoring and swish patterns and the science and art behind it, I was just blown away. The concepts took root in my subconscious, and I just started to get it. And here is the strength that came back because once I get hold of the concept, I can then appreciate the entire structure. NLP got to me, and I was happy to be in the training finally. As I understood the concepts, I started to engage more with the participants and my trainer and the need for significance stopped being so obvious. Of course, I thought, because I didn’t have to work hard on it anymore. This was probably the first time I felt significant WITHOUT a formal role or authority, based truly on who I was. I came out, naked, yet unabashed at the same time!
We had done an exercise in Module one day one where we had to write our beliefs and metaphors. I did it very consciously, looking at each part with the perspective that I will be judged for what I write. Towards the end of the final module, we were asked to revisit these beliefs and metaphors. And I wrote with all my heart. When I was done and compared my notes, I was shocked. The negativity was gone, and the metaphors were all incredibly positive and powerful. So, what happened?
NLP. That is what happened.
For those who haven’t come across the term (or think this has to do with Artificial Intelligence), NLP stands for neuro linguistics programming. As such it works with our thoughts and our words to create a change for us. (You can find out more about it here.)
But that is what’s there in books and on the web out there. You can read it by doing a google search. For me though, NLP meant something far greater and more impactful.
While I continue to practice NLP in my daily life, here are a few things that, among others top the list and have almost become muscle memory. And those are not the techniques, but (you guessed it) the concepts and the entire perspective on life. So, let’s dive in.
1. What Instead
Aliyah was sitting in one of the chairs in front of us. As she demonstrated one of the techniques with one of the participants, the participant mentioned a limiting belief she wasn’t happy with. Aliyah responded: “What instead”. And there was a bit of silence as the participant dived deep into the question, and we all did as well!
What instead is a powerful expression that makes us think. It pushes us to think in an entirely unique way. You see, when we are used to a particular thought pattern, we are so deeply entrenched into it that we just cannot see the alternative. What instead pushes us to think beyond those thoughts, those limiting beliefs, those negative emotions. Aliyah taught us that when we want to unlearn/unthink an emotion or a thought, we are unable to do it because we have not figured out what to replace this thought with. The thoughts are so gloomy that we have never, in our minds, ended our slavery to them. What instead is liberty, at last!
What instead is a game changer for me. Feeling hopeless with a situation? What can be done instead? Communicating and brainstorming with the team as they rant about issues? What instead? Angry with a client/customer/colleague/partner/boss? Pause and reflect: what would be a better response instead? What instead asks me to stay positive, to look for answers within, to focus on OUTCOMES!
2. Outcomes
This brings me to the second thing that has really helped me: focusing on the outcome. And when I say outcome, it is ALWAYS the positive outcome we are talking about.
So why not solutions?
Solutions are for things that need to be fixed or solved. And, fixed is such a loaded word to start with. When we want to ‘fix’ something, taught Aliyah, we assume it’s broken. That’s a terribly negative world view, and might I add, one that creates a superiority complex. “I need to find a solution because the XYZ (replace with system, the people, the business, the relationship, anything at all that you can think of) is broken. We can't fix systems, or people or businesses or relationships, or anything that is based on people. LIFE is based on people. Similarly, we can't ‘solve’ problems all the time. Some problems are too big to be solved for us mortals, or the solution is not always available. Think of a sales call where the customer has a cash problem. The only solution to her problem is helping with cash flows. As a salesperson, you need her to buy which needs cash. Can you solve it? Not unless you loan her the amount in a personal capacity.
So, you focus on outcomes. (As you think about the above situation, think of what other outcomes you could focus on instead).
Outcomes are the desired end goal you focus on. (I am so averse to even the word result and solution that I wanted to write outcomes are the desired outcomes you want). What does this imply? It implies that when faced with a situation- ANY situation- even in a positive context, you focus on where you need to be when this interaction, this project, this sales call, this appointment is over. By focusing on outcomes, you choose to be in control, and you choose to pause and reflect on how every action, word and thought will help you get to the outcome. Or not!
Outcomes can be long term too. But I learnt to be outcome-focused in every interaction I did. In a customer meeting recently, where tempers ran high, I would have usually walked out or given my very worst. I chose to focus on the outcome, to getting my message across, and to ensure that the window remains open for a future interaction. It worked, and I was calm as a cucumber.
3. Reframing
Our thoughts, Aliyah said, reflect in our words. Our words create our thoughts. It’s a vicious cycle once you get into it. But the good news is, you can choose to turn it into a virtuous cycle.
I learnt that as I chose to use better words my thoughts became positive. And as I thought more positively (using what instead, of course) the words I used even spontaneously became positive. But this was hard initially. I was used to negative self-talk so much that just on the second day of the training one of the crew with Aliyah remarked, “You are so full of these loaded negative words, I wish I could shake you up and throw them all away”. I wondered what words those might be, but she said you will find out as the course progresses.
I was confused at this. I was supposed to be so much in control of my communication. Everyone said so. Yet, there I was coming across as negative and I was shocked. I was defensive inside, but curious. By the end of the training, I knew exactly what she was talking about.
I had lost my self-esteem a long time back. And as a defense mechanism I chose to make fun of myself and to call myself all negative things so that I could protect myself from others. And I chose to make fun of others too because once I could make fun of myself in the most derogatory way, others could find no way to do so and therefore couldn’t respond. It’s not that it always worked, but when someone came with a more derogatory way to address me, I’d snap inside and pick it up and then use that later. The castle stood strong; the dent ‘fixed’! Long live the Mighty Hero!
Reframing did two things for me. One, it helped me become positive as I chose my words about myself carefully. I don't say ‘’I can’t’’ or “this cannot happen”. I say “let me get back to you”, or “let me figure out how”. Two, it made me more empathetic instead of a taunting bully I was turning into.
4. People are not their behaviors (and map is not the territory).
Perhaps, the greatest source of our disappointment are the people. And when someone doesn’t really live up to our expectations, we are quick to label them. I carried this deep within me, willfully labeling people I didn’t like or like. The thing with labels is, they hide the positives or negatives (depending on the label) of the person. One hundred and eighty hours of training later, this started to vanish. Instead of looking at the surface, I looked deep down, trying to understand why the person is behaving this way. And voila! It worked every time and proved itself as more of a law than just a concept.
I had a colleague walk into my room for some career advice. This colleague came off as particularly aggressive, taunting, and unhappy with anything anyone had to say. And we talked. As an attempt to see beyond the behavior, I continued to ask a few questions, and suddenly she burst into tears. What came out was a deeply hurt, worried individual who was trying to survive in the world like many of us. I was happy to not take her behavior on face value, and while I probably “lived with it” earlier on, it was this empathy that I found via NLP. And I learnt thus that our internal map is not the ACTUAL territory that is on ground!
5. Making me laugh, finally!
For years, I couldn’t laugh. Or cry. There were only two emotions I knew. Anger and passion. And my group members promised they’d make me laugh. There was an exercise where I was supposed to laugh, and I just faked it.
Until, we had a full laughing session. It started with just laughing, and then more laughing and then more laughing. It caught on, and on and on until I was just laughing unbearably. I just couldn’t stop laughing. My body wasn’t used to it, so I was panting. And laughing! That opened a sea of emotions that I had long forgotten. And then my therapist made me cry finally. I was human at last!
Final thoughts, for now!
I could write on and on, but I think it needs a few more articles. There is more to the NLP experience, especially with those who were participating with me. I made some lifelong friends and we all got so close to each other that I can't compare it to anything but childhood friends. It’s unbelievable really- knowing someone unknown at the start of a journey so intimately that in other situations it’d take years. From insane laughter to work and relationship advice, to creating and holding a safe space for each other, we saw the pure best in each other. But more on that later.
For now, I look forward to meeting my NLP friends at the wedding of one of our group participants. And to see some more of them as we join another training with Aliyah in May!
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