Parenting is hard. Teenage parenting is even harder. Ask any parent, they will vouch for the evolving intricacies in their parenting journey, each stage with its own set of challenges. I agree, though my reasons for agreeing to this may be different than what most other parents think of.
You see, being a parent is the most profound relationship you’d ever be in. It is literally unbreakable. You can let go of a bad partner, a bad job, a bad boss, a bad client. But with your children, it is the one relationship with is really, truly for life. You may send them off at 18. They may not see you for years. You may live in two different corners of the planet. Yet, it is a relationship that is there, a string that can at best be invisible, but never disconnected. Though the physical umbilical cord is severed at birth, an intangible one stays connected, forever linking to the very souls of parents.
It’s a role we have in our lives like no other. It’s a job in many ways, but we are invested heavily in it. In yet other instances, it’s a love-hate relationship. It can turn you from being a very energetic person to a very drained human being. It can transform you from being a chaotic person to a highly organized person.
And yet, it is surprising that this is one role that we are the least prepared for. As modern parents, we go to the extent of ‘planning’ our kids, their schools, their clothes, all the material stuff that we can think of. We are given tons of advice by all and sundry (even when we abhor it sometimes), but all of that is around how to take care of the baby, your physical health if you are a mother, and so on. Yet, the one thing we are never trained in is how to be an actual parent itself.
Yes, there are books upon books on parenthood. There are social media pages and YouTube videos that can regurgitate the same stuff over and over again: how to handle your kids, how to deal with them and so on.
This stuff is important, I know. But you know what is the most critical element in all this? YOU! You the parent, you the executor of the plan, you the person actually delivering the job. Or not!
Being a parent means recognizing two particularly important things. The first is, you can only have the kind of children that you want when you decide to behave in the way you want your child(ren) to lead their lives. The other thing is you basically have seven years to do that.
Dive deeper and you will find out that a lot of your parenting is derived by our reactions to our own upbringing- embracing or rejecting what was handed down to us. That is the only actual training we remember about being a parent.
There is a meme which talks about how children idealize their parents, and then become rebellious and after a certain stage, they start to realize that their parents were right all along. I want to say this unequivocally: they were not always right, and what worked with you MAY NOT work with your children.
We may like to think otherwise, but our parents, despite all their love, were still fallible human beings shaped by their own circumstances and the times they lived in. If they saw war, they would end up being frugal and insecure. If they came from places where crime was rampant, they may have been overly protective about you. If they were not as well off as you are today, they may have pushed you to work harder and only opt for careers that are high paying, even if it is not aligned with your passion.
Consider a family I know, where both parents had carved successful careers in medicine. They had worked hard and established private hospitals. They wanted both their children to be doctors so their hospitals could be passed on to their children and the children could have a ‘bright’ future. One of the children wanted to be a lawyer instead. However, he was pushed to be a doctor, and he turned out to be a bad one with a lot of resentment, stuck in a life he never wanted. The parents came from a time and society where the values did not allow children back when they were kids to go against their parents’ wishes. Thats all the parenting they knew, expected, and implemented.
As parents, we need to free ourselves from the shackles of our own parents. This means recognizing that we have been shaped by our parents’ traumas, expectations, and fears. It also means that we have been conditioned with a separate set of values. But most importantly, it implies that we are not our parents, and our children are not us.
When we realize this, we must also realize that the first seven years are critical for the child’s development. This is the ‘imprint’ period shaping their perception of the world. All that you as a parent do or say, gets imprinted on the child. This period pretty much defines how the child’s attitude will be towards everything life has to offer.
The solution: think of how you would be if you were a 20 something in a future some 20 years away. What kind of people would be successful? What values will be important in life in those times? What kind of EQ will be required to tackle the issues of that life? What will be the kind of uncertainty and what mindset will help in navigating it?
I grew up at a time where university degrees were prestigious and guaranteed you a stable career. But the world is very quickly moving towards gig economy. That requires a vastly different kind of skillset to live through such times. To further contrast, both my parents worked for government departments, which was considered a major achievement in their times. In contrast, I never even considered government roles as an option. Similarly, our children will navigate paths we haven’t even imagined.
The clear choice we have with us is this: We can either mirror our parents’ approach towards raising children, or we can plant the seeds for raising independent, future ready, free-thinking children. If your child is still under 7, there is good news. If, as in my case, they are in their teens, remember it is never too late to adapt and evolve. But it’s going to take some hard work, lots of care and introspection for you as a parent. Brace for it.
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