She was not very happy with the way her 7 year old son was behaving recently. More tantrums, more rebellion, more negative behavior! My client was frustrated. The nail in the coffin was when her son was caught cheating in a test. She just lost it!
Isnt this a common theme of the parenting nightmares that we witness regularly? As I deal with more and more clients in my coaching work I’ve realised that we perceive parenting to be quite a daunting task. Raising kids is tough or so we think. Here is a myth-buster: Parenting is not about raising kids; it’s about raising ourselves. It is us who must revise our insane demands of ourselves through our kids.
You see, we become parents with a bundle of expectations for our child. I have heard many parents being amazed by how ‘smart’ their child is. And years later lamenting that their child isn’t ‘good enough’! What a journey!
So what changed between oh-my-kid-is-so-smart and my-child-is-not-doing-well? Simply put: PARENTING happened! And here is the catch- it’s not about how parenting changed them, it’s about how it reflects on us.
I’m not saying parenting shouldn’t happen, but I am suggesting that much of what we call parenting stems from our own unresolved issues and unmet needs and expectations from our own selves. In most cases, it is the burden of our expectations from our children that tend to create ‘bad’ parenting norms. We tend to burden them with our dreams, our guilt, our unmet needs without really understanding that it was never them… it was us all along. We raise them in certain ways because WE think its good for them. We want them to study for a certain profession because WE think it is what they are good at, or want to do, or worse still NEED to do to make a mark in the society. The moment our child is born, we start to imagine all the great things that the child WILL accomplish.
The crux of the problem is our assumption of ownership over our children. Because we brought them into this world, now we have absolute ownership of this individual. We shout at them for a bad exam grade, scold them for imperfections, but would we treat a colleague or a friend the same way? Most likely not! We’ve abolished slavery, yet struggle to release our children from the shackles of our expectations.
Perhaps its because we also assume that these little men and women- who we collectively call children- cannot think for themselves. But they are very much capable of thoughts and feelings- often more present, curious, and free of resentments than adults.
Or perhaps its because if they don't turn out to be better than us, we would think of ourselves as a failure. Maybe we are looking for the glory we never had within our children- carrying the cross of our dreams. So, we cant really let them be, because EVEN though we were pretty average ourselves, we somehow assume that our child HAS TO BE on top of the world. There is no other option!
The bad news is that the world is made up of average human beings. The good news is that they are actually pretty good. Its us who think of average as bad. Your child will probably not be another Elon Musk or Nelson Mandela and that is okay. Your children may be comfortable with living an absolutely ordinary life. And that is alright and beautiful it its own way!
So pause and reflect: When your child doesn’t excel in school, is it really about them, or is it about your expectations? When you get angry over their behavior, is it truly their issue, or yours?
Parenting is about us growing as individuals, about becoming better people, and hence better parents. Your child is already wonderful in their unique way. Let them grow into their own beauty.
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